The Dreamwidth Account

Meds: 6/7

Didn't take them yesterday, but then, yesterday was a crap day all round.

Jobsearch: 2/10

Okay, definitely falling down on this one. Managed it just fine on Monday, but then Tuesday I had my counselling appointment at PVS, and Wednesday I had an interview for a position offered by Hays. It was the interview which threw everything out the window. The interview turned out not to be for any actual position which might have paid wages. Instead, I was being interviewed for a position on the list of people Hays might be interested in actually finding jobs for - so the ad was effectively burley thrown into the water to attract the fish.

This made me angry. Very angry. Part of the reason I was so angry was because in order to attend an interview of about twenty minutes duration at 1pm (I'd originally asked for a 9am interview, but had to be rescheduled), I had to effectively put the entire day "on hold". I needed to dress up, put on decent "interview" quality clothes (of a quality which would be appropriate for the weather), catch a bus and a train into town, find their office and attend the interview, then repeat the entire process in reverse. All of which consumed resources, both monetary and psychological, that I didn't really have in large supply. I can accept this when there's a prospect of an actual paying job at the other end, because the job offers the chance of maybe getting at least some of the monetary resources returned to me. But to do all that for a "job" which never existed in the first place just strikes me as futile, and the whole process seems incredibly cruel. Add to this that I'm not really allowed to express my anger with the whole thing then and there (on penalty of finding myself unable to ever find work through this contracting firm) but instead had to effectively "suck it, swallow, and smile, bitch!" the whole way through...

I spent Thursday feeling irritable (for no particular reason), and yesterday I spent dealing with firstly an eruption of generalised anger at just about everything, then coping with the aftermath of this eruption (namely, feeling thoroughly depressed and hopeless). Today I'm still recovering.

Knitting: 7/7

I got slightly behind on this over Tuesday and Wednesday, but caught it all up on Thursday. Current length is 101cm, which means I'm about half way complete on this first half (1/4 of the way through the whole project). I've started reading my way through "Innocents Abroad" by Mark Twain (I have the Project Gutenberg ebook version) as a way of keeping myself going on the whole thing.

I've also set up a way of keeping track of what I've done so far - just a tick-off page for everything I need to do each day as a way of keeping up with my goals. It looks a bit like this (I've copied down the entries for the next few days)

p185 SUN 1 2 3 4 5 M
MON 1 2 3 4 5 M J J
TUE 1 2 3 4 5 M J J

The page number is a note of where I'm up to in the e-book. Then there's the day, the 5 rows (tick each one off as I complete it) and a note for the meds. On weekdays, there's the two jobs per day. At least this way I'll be able to keep track of things. Once classes start up again, I'll substitute in either lectures or tutorials for one of the job efforts (So Mondays will have "L J", as will Wednesdays, while Tuesdays will have "L T").

I've been thinking about this for a while, and I've decided I'll be better off with some kind of goal to work toward. However, knowing myself the way I do, I know if I write down a list of everything I want to achieve, I'll immediately try working on it all at once and get depressed when I find I can't do it all; or alternatively I'll set goals which rely on the behaviour of other people to achieve, and get even more depressed when I find them to be unachievable. So, for me, goal-setting is a tricky process.

So I've set myself a few guidelines for setting goals. The first is that any goal I set myself has to be achievable by me, preferably without relying on external assistance or input. The second is that my goals have to fit the basic criterion of being "little decisions" (from the Paul Kelly song of the same name: "Little decisions are the ones I can make/Big resolutions are so easy to break") - things which aren't about making huge changes, but rather about making small ones which can be built on. They also have to be things which I can be clear about having achieved or not achieved - the answer to "have I succeeded at this?" has to be expressible as a clear "yes" or "no", rather than "it depends what you mean by succeeded". I've also set myself a maximum number of things I have to be working on at any one time.

Below I've listed my preliminary aims.

Short - Medium term goals:

End Date: between 22 JUN 2011 and 21 DEC 2011 (ie between winter and summer solstices) I want to:

* Complete the knitted pashmina/poncho/wrap thingy I'm working on.
* Manage at least 80% compliance long-term for thyroid medication.
* Complete MAS167 at Murdoch University.

At some stage I want to:

* Try out Lauredhel's recipe for slow-rise bread
* Have a proper massage by a proper masseur
* Get my hair trimmed by a hairdresser.

Meds - I've dropped the psych meds (at least partially because I'm almost out, and getting more means I have to make an appointment to see the GP and get a new script, and that means having yet another discussion about why I keep forgetting to take the little bastards). At present, I'm trying to get back to full compliance with just the thyroxine. By "full compliance" I mean taking it every day.

This week, I've managed 5 out of 7. I missed Monday and Wednesday, but took my meds like a good girl every other day. So that's one achievement.

Job Search - I have to look for 10 jobs a fortnight in order to remain eligible for the payment I'm on. That translates to one job a day. Lately, I've been looking for two jobs a day (mostly by cold canvassing, since the number of part-time jobs offered in the IT field in Perth, WA is minimal, and the only one in my specific area of the field - support/helpdesk - is a franchise opportunity). So, I have my ten jobs for the fortnight done in a single week, but I'm going to see whether I can continue looking at this rate (and thus startle the heck out of Centrelink when I go to my next Personal Contact Interview in August).

So, five days of looking for two jobs per day completed. Two things achieved this week.

Knitting - I recently re-started knitting as a hobby, inspired by the rather simple pattern of a poncho/pashmina/wrap thingy I bought. Effectively, it's two long rectangles of material joined together for half their length (effectively a blanket at one end, split into two wide scarves at the other). Easy enough to make, I thought, so I bought a whole heap of cheap acrylic yarn ($2 per ball at Red Dot) and started knitting. My aim is at least five rows of knitting per day, and then any extra is gravy. I started this about the 15th of this month, and the work currently measures 51.5cm, and I've started my fourth ball of yarn. I've also discovered knitting does wonderful things for my anxiety levels - knocks them right down into nothing. I think it's the whole experience of being able to do something little and have a visible result, as well as the repetitive nature of the work itself which is very soothing.

I think I've skipped one day this week with the five rows a day, but aside from that, I'm very pleased with it.

Okay, doesn't seem like much, but given I'm also possessed of a wonderful tendency toward starting things and never finishing them... I'll take what I can get.