On Being "Socially Awkward"

[megpie71]

In the wake of the Readercon incident, and the general rush of convention season in the USA, I feel like addressing the regular refrain which springs up about people who are being accused of sexual harassment at conventions (particularly within the geek community).

This refrain is, of course, that the harasser (particularly a serial harasser) is "socially awkward" or has "poor social skills".

To which I say: bullshit. Absolute and utter crap. I do not believe this in the least.

Why not? Because their behaviour argues otherwise.

It takes a lot of social skill to develop a set of behaviours which are both threatening to the recipients and innocuous to disinterested bystanders. It takes a lot of skill and practice to be able to perform these behaviours in a public setting on a regular basis without drawing attention to oneself. Choosing your victim is a skill which takes practice and social awareness. So does choosing your friends in order to be believed when you tell people you're very, very sorry and it won't happen again (or at least, not until your friends have forgotten the last time).

Serial harassers aren't socially awkward. If they were socially awkward, they wouldn't be the menace they are. On the contrary, they're socially skilled, socially competent, and well practiced in what they're doing. They know where the lines are, and they're adept at walking them. They have enough empathy to figure out what's going to upset their victim, and enough callous self-interest not to care.

Genuine social awkwardness will manifest itself in all environments, in all settings, and around all people. The genuinely socially awkward person won't have many friends, and will have problems fitting into normal social routines under any circumstance. They won't be charming. They won't be popular. They will creep out people of both sexes, and all gender preferences, because they will be obvious. Genuine social awkwardness is rarer than you'd think.

Comments

[elf]

I love this post, and I want it copied into the comments of every single post discussing whether or not the harasser was "socially awkward" and why that might be.

You're absolutely right, and a whole swarm of people have missed that. A guy who knows how to hover just far enough away that only his victim feels threatened is not "awkward;" he's a predator.

[celandineb]

*applauds*

[cleverthylacine]

this is brilliant and you win the internets.

[johnpalmer]

Genuine social awkwardness will manifest itself in all environments, in all settings, and around all people. The genuinely socially awkward person won't have many friends, and will have problems fitting into normal social routines under any circumstance. They won't be charming. They won't be popular. They will creep out people of both sexes, and all gender preferences, because they will be obvious. Genuine social awkwardness is rarer than you'd think.

Without arguing what you've said prior to this, I think you're making far too deep a definition of social awkwardness. If a person has moments in which they find themselves bereft of all but the most basic social skills, (this might go along with a deep feeling of anxiety as well) but this doesn't cause them to fail to fit into "normal social routines in (em)any(/em) circumstance", etc., you're saying "that person is not socially awkward."

I think that goes too far for your point.

I think it's more true to say that well meaning, socially awkward people will respond very differently to clearly expressed, angry disapproval. "Socially awkward" doesn't mean "unable to recognize an angry response", and a well meaning person of any type who gets someone angry wants to know why.

[sethg]

Thank you for explaining at (some) length in a standalone post an idea that I have only had time to summarize in comments here and there.

[ailbhe]

Bang on.

[firecat]

Here via browngirl. I completely agree with your main point that the kind of sexual harrassment under discussion requires social skill and should not be excused by social awkwardness (or anything else).

But I quibble with your last paragraph. I don't think it's useful to define social awkwardness as something that manifests in all environments. Some people are socially awkward only in some environments, are socially awkward and still have some friends, and don't always/to everyone come across as creepy.

[aquaeri]

I meant to reply to this earlier, but ... life ... or something.

I completely agree with you. I remember the closest to a triggery moment I had over the Readercon discussion was someone in Scalzi's comments saying something about how it wasn't really bad creepiness. And I was like, no, this is an example of the worst kind of creepiness, the kind no-one else recognises, the kind that everyone else thinks he's a great guy, the kind you know he's been doing for years and is well-practiced at.

Other people's "bad creepiness" is the kind that gets that person chucked out of the social circle in question quite quickly. The fact that everyone else agrees with you that it was creepy helps you get over it quicker. It's the slow-burn stuff that no-one else believes that is really damaging in my opinion.