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Wednesday, October 26th, 2011 08:40 am
We've not been receiving our free local newspaper recently, which is sort of a pity. However, it appears they've found a new distributor for our area, and a copy showed up on our front verge this afternoon. And what a pleasant surprise it was...

Front page headline: 'Drag Strip' anger

My partner made a comment about this being rather misleading - "well, y'know, I was enjoying the show right up to the point where it became obvious that she was... well, she wasn't a she, if y'see what I mean."

My mind, being the FF7-fixated thing it is, immediately started scripting the article:

"I was tricked. That thug forced his way into my house under false pretences!"

Local resident Don Corneo(45), who describes himself as being "a single man of good fortune", and therefore in want of a wife, stated he had been attacked and assaulted by a female impersonator. The alleged attacker, one Cloud Strife (21), formerly of Nibelheim, allegedly smuggled himself into Mr Corneo's home and perpetrated an assault on Corneo, his staff and his employees. In the process of the assault, Mr Strife is alleged to have also destroyed Mr Corneo's prize pet, Appalachian Delight Tango (or "Aps").

"That was a pedigreed animal, a one-of-a-kind companion," Mr Corneo said. "I'm going to sue that terrorist thug for everything he's got!"

However, according to gorgeous local bartender, Tifa Lockheart(20) (see photo p3), who witnessed the attack, Mr Corneo holds regular "auditions" for the position of his bride. It was at one of these "auditions" that the assault took place. Mr Strife, allegedly a prominent member of the environmental terrorist front AVALANCHE, apparently managed to hoodwink Mr Corneo by dressing as a woman and posing as a potential bride.

"Mr Corneo needs to get his eyes checked," Ms Lockheart said, speaking exclusively to the Midgar Times. "I mean, I'm standing there in a strapless dress, it's threatening to fall off if I so much as breathe deeply, and he chooses this lanky, flat-chested blond with her hair in pigtails? The only reason that guy got in there in the first place was because he'd talked a friend of his into coming along and joining in the farce - she got him past the front door, and Corneo didn't bother to use what little brain he possesses after that. I've no sympathy for the man."

Mr Strife was unavailable for comment, however in a statement released to the press, he alleged Corneo's search for a "bride" was "nothing more than a cover-up for his prostitution racket, the Honeybee Inn. The creature Mr Corneo was keeping as his 'pet' was an escaped specimen from the Shinra laboratories, engineered and trained to be a vicious killer, and it was put down as an act of self-defence." He has also stated that, should Mr Corneo carry forward his threats of legal action, he will be laying counter-charges against Mr Corneo for sexual assault. "Mr Corneo's actions that night were not those of a gentleman. Had I been in truth what I was attempting to impersonate, I have no doubt he would have raped me."